Running Time: 88 Minutes
Studio: Scream Factory
A pair of brothers Andy (Harry Treadaway) and Terry (Rasmus Hardiker) learn that their grandfather's retirement home is soon to be demolished to make room for a couple of apartment buildings. The guys figure that if they can just come up with a fuckton of cash they should be able to keep the home from being torn down. The only problem is that they both work for a Meals on Wheels-type operation, so a fuckton is not an easily attainable amount of cash for them to amass in a short period of time. So the guys do what any level headed siblings would, they concoct a plan to pull off a bank heist.
As anyone who has robbed a bank before knows it takes more than two guys to properly heist a bank, so they've brought some help:
- Chubby friend (and Nick Frost look-a-like) Davey (Jack Doolan) - in charge of Wardrobe/Mustaches.
- Hot cousin Katy (Michelle Ryan) - a master of unlocking.
- Mental Mickey (Ashley Thomas) - a completely deranged steel-plate-headed guy who they put on weapons duty because he owns an entire Storage Wars sized storage container packed completely full of weapons. It's an unbelievable amount of weapons really, just a T2 underground bunker amount of weapons. Mickey's a real wild card whose inclusion in the plan is questionable, even with the mass weaponry because, sure, he'll help you rob a bank, but he also might shoot you in the face just for the hell of it.
The robbery goes off relatively well, except for the entire police force showing up in front of the building halfway through. 80% of the gang is immediately ready to throw in the towel and accept their prison sentences. Mickey has other plans and after a moment of arguing with the gang he heads out front, all guns blazing only to discover that all of the police have vanished. The cars are all still there, just minus the cops. Everyone stumbles out to see why the army of police officers has vanished, when suddenly, zombies. The heisters and the hostages seek zombie-free shelter before eventually heading to the old folk's home to help their grandfather and the other surviving elderly and invalid tenants to safety.
Cockneys vs. Zombies certainly isn't the most original movie you'll ever see (there are countless zombie comedies and heist gone wrong films out there), but it's still a rather entertaining living dead comedy that's actually worth a look more for the cast and humor than the zombies in my opinion. None of the zombies really stand out, and there aren't any real scares in the film, but I did really enjoy the actors and I found that much of the humor manages to actually be quite funny. Pretty much everyone had great chemistry and played off of each other very well, especially Treadaway, Hardiker and Ford. In fact, the real highlight of the film was pretty much any time Alan Ford was on screen. Much like in Snatch every line Alan speaks is brilliant and he threatens to run off with the show any time he opens his mouth. Those of you looking for a more straight-faced zombie film might not get much out of this, but if you enjoy your zombie films on the comedic side Cockneys is a hell of a lot of fun.
Michelle Ryan wears a black tank top throughout the film, and while not particularly revealing she wears it well, though she is also wearing a jacket most of the time. So no real sex or nudity here, though I have to say this movie featured a great deal of attractive female zombies. Not to say they are hot as zombies, but that they've cast a lot of attractive women to fill out the undead ranks.
While Cockneys is mostly a comedy it certainly doesn't shy away from the grue. Blood is spilled all over the screen and guts and limbs are strewn every which way. A guy has his lips eaten off. Another guy is bitten and the zombie's head is exploded mid bite, so the guy just has the mouth and nose of the zombie stuck on his arm. One guy is ripped to shreds Rhodes-style while shouting "I have a heart condition!".
The zombies are mostly dispatched with guns, but there a few nice improvised weapons including a shovel, a grenade and a double decker bus. There are also a few well done head explosions, and even a sword kill or two. Oh, and also, a guy punts a zombie baby into a "Stop Child Abuse" sign. This thing turns into a Troma movie for about 10 seconds, look out.
The downside in the gore department is that there are a lot of shoddy looking CGI bullet hits and blood splatters. Some of the shots looked as though someone was just poking the screen with a red Sharpie, I don't really know how CG works, maybe that's what they do.
Things to watch for:
I realize the "things to watch for" part of my reviews are sometimes things that only make sense when you see them so from now on I want to try out a visual approach, like so: