Last American Virgin

Last American Virgin was director Boaz Davidson's remake of his own Eskimo Limon (aka Lemon Popsicle), a popular Israeli film which spawned 7 (!) sequels.

Last American Virgin is a bit of an oddity, it's a wacky comedy for the entire duration - complete with a fat kid boinking a middle aged hispanic prostitute while a comical song plays on the soundtrack - then in the last few minutes they hit our main character with a devastating emotional groin punch. And then... it just ends, no glimmer of hope for this guy or anything. Sure, it's a more realistic ending - sometimes in life, you're just gonna get screwed and there will be nothing you can do but stand there and take it. I admire the balls it took to end it like that. But, really, who watches a goofy comedy with fat kids nailing middle aged hispanic prostitutes and thinks "man, I hope I'm really bummed out and sad during the last couple of minutes of this thing."?

You want the main guy to start off cool and likable, turn into a jerk going for the hot, but incompatible friend of his equally hot, but more down to earth friend. Then you have him realize he's a jerk, redeem himself, end up with his equally hot, but more down to earth friend. Sorry, I've got Secret Admirer on my mind for some reason. Still, that's the basic formula, it's worked a thousand times without bumming everybody out.

That said, bummer ending or not, American Virgin is a pretty solid movie that I recommend checking out at least once

Hamburger....The Motion Picture

So, I hope everyone had a nice Warren Wednesday. For me, after putting the post up I had to attend a Christmas party at work. You know how sometimes you'll think something is going to be awkward, but then you get there and it's not and you have a great time. This was not one of those times, it was more awkward than I had even imagined. And the weird thing is I'm not even sure what was awkward about it, it just kinda was.

Anyway, I've got something a bit different today. I've posted several episodes of MST3K, which are movie length episodes, but never an actual movie length movie. Until now. This is Hamburger...The Motion Picture. The best film ever made with "Hamburger" and "Motion Picture" in the title. The film (and I use that term loosely here) is quite terrible by traditional standards, but I recommend it to any fan of bad 80's comedies filled with naked women and jokes about fat people and flatulence.

Leigh McCloskey (who you might recognize as Terri's college boyfriend from Just One of the Guys, or from Dario Argento's Inferno) stars as Russell, a huge fan of fornication. Such a huge fan, in fact, that his overall horndoggedness keeps getting him kicked out of college. Of course it's not his fault, women find him irresistible. Who can blame them, I mean just look at him. His parents don't buy this excuse and are fed up with his chronic expulsion and threaten to withhold Russell's inheritance money until he's graduated from some school, any school. Desperate, Russell enrolls in Busterburger University. Buster Burger being a McDonalds-type fast food place, BBU gives people the know how to run their own Buster Burger franchise. That's the basic setup. From there it's just wacky scene after wacky scene of random wackiness.

Scrotum...a real delicacy for the rich and famous

I made a cover for it, but then I thought it might just end up being used to sell people poor quality bootlegs on eBay, so I didn't want to post it full size here. But here's what I came up with with the limited amount of images I had to work with.
Random interesting fact about Leigh McCloskey, he's actually a pretty talented painter and author.

David Newman - Little Monsters

This is David Newman's unreleased score from the terrifying children's adventure comedy Little Monsters. Sure, I saw it and loved it as a kid, but I rewatched it a few years ago and it creeped me out quite a bit. You've got Howie Mandel (who is creepy enough on his own) with blue skin, horns, fangs, a mohawk, and an earring made out of one of those Stephen King Library keychains, abducting young children by hiding underneath their beds and taking them to some weird anarchic otherworldly slums. As we all know, the underside of a child's bed is the second place, after their closet, that the child is certain a monster is lurking, waiting for just the right moment to devour them. And as kids we're always told never to talk to, or go with strangers, especially if they're monsters. This movie is basically telling kids to do the opposite of what their parents spend years telling them. There are, in fact, monsters under your bed, and it's okay to go with them if they invite you somewhere. It's kind of an evil movie, really. I know, I know, it's just a stupid fun kid's movie that I'm analyzing way too much. I'm sorry, I do that sometimes. It is rather creepy though. With that being said, that part where Maurice pisses in Fred Savage's tormentor's apple juice - Classic.

Before I go, am I the only one that thinks Little Monsters seems kind of like a cross between Monkeybone, Camp Nowhere and Basket Case III? I don't know, if I'm the only one, I'll shut up.

And what the hell am I stepping in, Doritos?

Zapped!

This is from the 1982 Scott Baio/Willie Aames comedy Zapped! Not trying to sound extra excited there, that exclamation point is part of the title. I actually just watched this for the first time today. It's pretty mediocre really, even downright bad on a couple occasions (The Star Trek part, Scatman's drug induced dream sequence) but it did have one of the few actually funny De Niro "You talking to me?" impressions I've seen, so it did have that going for it.

Even though Scott Baio hasn't really done much notable work since Happy Days ended, he has kept himself busy appearing in random projects over the years. Plus he did appear on one of my all-time shows, the brilliant Arrested Development for a few episodes as Bob Loblaw, so he'll always be cool in my book. Willie Aames is also still finding things to do here and there. He recently ended up directing, producing and starring in the spectacularly terrible Bibleman. If you've got a mean-spirited sense of humor like myself and enjoy yelling things at your television I recommend seeking out a copy of one of the Bibleman episodes if you can find one for cheap, it's absolutely hilarious.

1. Got to Believe in Magic (03:29)

David Pomeranz
2. Shoot the Moon (03:12)
Plain Jane
3. King and Queen of Hearts (03:34)
David Pomeranz
4. Ready or Not (03:23)
Plain Jane
5. Just for Fun (02:56)
Rick Derringer
6. Tryin' to Kill a Saturday Night (03:22)
The Keane Brothers
7. Updike's Theme (03:33)
Robert Incorvaia & Joe Esposito
8. Star Spangled Baby (03:10)
The Twisters
9. Bomp Me (07:36)
Greg Mathieson Project
10. This Power Of Ours (04:30)
Devinstated

Did you know there's a guy living in our closet?

I had someone looking for the soundtrack from Real Genius, so here it is. Real Genius was released in 1985 and it was directed by Martha Coolidge, who also directed Valley Girl a couple years earlier. This was Val Kilmer's second starring role, and I believe his last comedic role (unless you count Top Gun) before he went and got all serious on us. It also stars Jon Gries who was the legendary narded wolfman in The Monster Squad. This is going to make me sound kinda dumb, but up until about 5 minutes ago I could've sworn it was comedian Stephen Wright who played Lazlo in this movie. Turns out with long hair Jon Gries looks a hell of a lot like Stephen Wright, if you're not really paying attention.

There's also a brief appearance by the criminally underrated (and very hot) Deborah Foreman, who also worked with Coolidge on Valley Girl. It's a shame she's not more well known, she was great in April Fool's Day, Waxwork, hell even in an intentionally bad movie like Lobster Man From Mars. She just kinda quit acting in the early 90's, which sucks because in addition to being very photogenic she was also very funny and likable. I think I've mentioned it before, but I always had a huge crush on her when I was younger, she does this little lip thing while talking to Val about an hour into the movie that almost killed me back then. You know what I'm talking about. So yeah, what I'm getting at is that you can't really go wrong with a movie with Val Kilmer, Deborah Foreman and a Wolfman. This movie is proof.

Anyway, there was never an official release of this soundtrack for whatever reason but I was able to put a fairly complete soundtrack together. This features every song listed on the IMDB page except for the Tonio K. track, which I don't think was ever released. Not on any albums or anything, at least none that I could find. Of course if anyone actually has that track leave a comment and let me know. I made a cover for it, then I got bored and made another one, using the identical layout with different art, so I've posted both. I couldn't find a high quality logo to use, so I had to make one up. I chose to use a Jeopardy font that I have, seemed kinda fitting at the time. If you click on the covers they're huge, and a bit rough looking being that I didn't have any higher quality images to work with, but if you wanted to print them or something, they should look okay. I've also made a back cover for it, but I don't know if I'll post it. I think it's a little too busy looking, but I might put it up anyway.

1. Everybody Wants to Rule the World - Performed by Tears For Fears
2. All She Wants to Do is Dance - Performed by Don Henley
3. I'm Falling - Performed by The Comsat Angels
4. Number One - Performed by Chas Jankel
5. One Night Love Affair - Performed by Bryan Adams
6. Pleasure Seekers - Performed by The System
7. Standing in The Line - Performed by The Textones
8. Summertime Girls - Performed by Y&T (Yesterday & Today)
9. The Walls Come Down - Performed by The Call
10.You're the Only Love - Performed by Paul Hyde and the Payolas
11. You Took Advantage of Me - Performed by Carmen McRae

Can you hammer a 6-inch spike through a board with your penis?

We're psychopaths! Somebody better call the school nurse!

Soundtrack from Summer School, the 1987 film directed by Carl "Procreator of Rob" Reiner. The film features Mark Harmon as Mr. Shoop, a laid back teacher forced to teach summer school with a class full of various outcasts. Among those outcasts we have Patrick Labyorteaux, Courtney Thorne-Smith, Shawnee Smith, Fabiana "Alotta Fagina" Udenio as the hot foreign girl Anna-Maria and Dean Cameron as the legendary Chainsaw, the guy every young horror fan hoped he'd grow up to be. Well, maybe not everybody, but I certainly did. It's a really entertaining movie that everyone should see at least once. Also for a straight comedy (with no horrific elements) it features some great gore effects during the brilliantly staged massacre scene. You can head on over to Cold Fusion Video Reviews for a look at all the gory details.

So here's the tracklist. I don't care how much of a wuss it makes me sound like to admit, but E.G. Daily's Mind of Matter is a fantastic song. Musically the highpoint of the film in my opinion. Sadly the other E.G. track isn't as good.

1. Happy (03:57)
Performed by Danny Elfman
2. Mind Over Matter (04:21)
Performed by E.G. Daily
3. Jackie (03:41)
Performed by Elisa Fiorillo
4. I'm Supposed to Have Sex With You (05:00)
Performed by Tonio K.
5. Seduction (03:41)
Performed by E.G. Daily
6. Brain Power (04:09)
Performed by Paul Engemann
7. All I Want From You (05:09)
Performed by Tami Show
8. Second Language (03:40)
Performed by Tone Norum
9. My Babe (02:36)
Performed by The Fabulous Thunderbirds
10. Get an Education (03:45)
Performed by Billy Burnette

You passed and I failed! You asshole! How could you do that to me?

Speaking of Dean Cameron movies with the word "school" in the title, where on Earth is a DVD of Ski School? There have been at least 3 different DVDs of Showgirls released in this country, but not 1 for Ski School? There truly is no justice in the world.

Just One of the Guys

Someone requested this one recently and I just got it, so here it is. This is the soundtrack from the highly entertaining 1985 film Just One of the Guys. This one had a great cast. Joyce Hyser was good as Terry the girl, but just wonderful as Terry in guy form. Very fun watching her try to adapt to acting like she has testicles. Also two people from one of my favorite horror films, April Fools Day show up, Clayton Rohner as Rick Morehouse, and Deborah Goodman as Deborah. The movie also starred the highly attractive Sherilyn Fenn, Leigh McCloskey of Hamburger: The Motion Picture "fame", and William Zabka, who had the "80's bullying asshole" character down right from the start of his career.

I've always wondered how Terry was able hide a certain part of her body so well. When she flashes Rick Morehouse at the end of the film it turns out that Terry is, uh, quite....bossomy, for lack of a better word. Seems like that would've shown a little more in her guy get-up. Okay, I didn't wonder too hard, I'm sure she just wore a sports bra. And she's in a bikini early in the movie so you know what's going on there already. But still, you get so used to her being a boy when that part comes up and Bam!! It's a little startling. And being 7 or so when I first saw this, it was the coolest thing in the history of the world for that 2 seconds while it lasted. So here you go, enjoy. I'm off to watch the movie now, talking about it has me wanting to see it again.

1. Just One of the Guys
Performed by Shalamar
2. Girls Got Something Boys Ain't Got
Performed by Midnight Star
3. Tonight You're Mine
Performed by Ronnie Spector
4. Prove It To You
Performed by Dwight Twilley
5. Jealous
Performed by Berlin
6. Way Down
Performed by Billy Burnette
7. Burning
Performed by Brock/Davis
8. Thrills
Performed by Greg French
9. Hard Way
Performed by Brock/Davis
10. Guy Talk
Performed by Tom Scott

All balls itch! It's a fact!