The Baffling Remake of the Year Award Goes To...

Embrace of the Vampire, coming October 15th from Anchor Bay. I say that this is a baffling remake because the original has no fanbase. You usually remake a film that has at least a bit of a following so you can pull some people in with name recognition, but Embrace of the Vampire has no real fans that I know of, it's a pretty terrible film with one saving grace; Alyssa Milano's tits. That's it. That's literally the only reason anyone who has seen Embrace of the Vampire has seen Embrace of the Vampire and anyone who has seen it didn't like it apart from the nudity. Samantha Micelli grew up hot, and then starred in a movie fucking a vampire so lame they didn't even bother to give his character a name and perverts like myself thought "Yes, I will watch this movie". Then immediately following the movie "Well, that wasn't very good, now was it?"

I don't know, the girl in this remake seems attractive enough, and there seems to be more vampire action involved, so this should be a remake that surpasses the original pretty easily, though it still looks pretty crappy from the trailer.

October 15th also sees the Blu-ray debut of the original Embrace, which is also coming from Anchor Bay, so don't expect many, if any, features. It's too bad that they couldn't have added the Joe Bob Brigg's Monstervision segments on the disc as a bonus, but luckily a dude named Ian was nice enough to upload a clip of it on Youtube. In fact I say just skip both movies and watch this clip, you'll be more entertained.

Alyssa Milano - Do You See Me?

Now for something absolutely random, Alyssa Milano's 1992 album Do You See Me? Not a question. This was Alyssa's fifth and final album (although she did have a single in 1993) before stopping to focus on her acting career.

If you listened to any pop music from the late 80's or early 90's, you should pretty much know what to expect here - save for a killer guitar solo in track 6, I didn't see that coming.

1 Do You See Me? 4:43

2 Talk to Me 3:41

3 One Last Dance 4:53

4 Puppet on a String 5:02

5 Somewhere in Jamaica 4:30

6 Waiting for Your Love 4:34

7 If Only 3:44

8 Everything You Do 3:58

Double Dragon - Now A Minor Motion Picture

I had never actually seen Double Dragon until today. I think it sort of feels like the kind of movie Troma would've made if their Toxic Crusaders cartoon experiment would've been successful. It's hard to explain, but the low budget corny humor featured throughout and the Tromaville-esque New Angeles setting just make it feel kind of like a family friendly Troma movie. That said, it's a pretty fun movie, the cast seemed to be enjoying themselves and that kind of shows through, elevating the material a tiny bit. But even if you don't find the movie entertaining the heckling potential is almost endless. Scott Wolff's poor martial arts skills, Robert Patrick's hair, the effects, Robert Patrick's hair, Abobo, Robert Patrick's hair...

Feeling like a Troma movie isn't the only crime this movie is guilty of committing. They've also managed to make Alyssa Milano - one of the most strikingly beautiful women ever made - look weird and kind of boylike. Most of the movie she has this ridiculous short blond haircut that just does not work. I wasn't sure it was possible to make her not attractive*, but Double Dragon has proven me wrong. Well played Double Dragon, well played. In fact I think her odd appearance in this movie put her into a pretty deep depression, immediately after she went on to seemingly attempt to prove her attractiveness by appearing nude in 4 different things (3 movies, 1 Outer Limits episode) in 2 years. Much to the delight of nudity fans everywhere.

Things to watch for:

Kogo Shuko - Wears his sunglasses at night.
House Jacking
The Ancient Art of Noogie
Robert Patrick is "The Shadow"
Andy Dick, one of the most disappointed groan inducing performers of our generation. (How does this guy get work?)
Take That, Madonna!
The Japanese Yamaka
Jaws: The "Ride"
Spray Cheese May Contain Nitrous
Necksticles
The Articulate Zombie
Take That, Post Office Of the Future
Extreme Loitering!
I'd Like To Download Her Mainframe

A Common Reaction To The Final Level of Double Dragon

*Okay, she's still kinda cute.