Saturday, December 04, 2010

The Taint - Movie Review

Directors: Drew Bolduc, Dan Nelson
Writer: Drew Bolduc
Stars: Drew Bolduc, Colleen Walsh, Giancarlo Agar, Mike Baker and Natalie W. Baker
Runtime: 70 Minutes give or take
Rated: I don't think there's a rating strong enough to cover this thing.


After the experimental drug Cockzantium (a penis-enlargening serum - invented so women will be unable to resist giving blowjobs to huge penises of the Cokzantium users) is leaked into the local water supply any men exposed to the water become misogynists. Not the traditional kind of women hating asshole misogynists, these dudes are maniacal monsters who are sexually aroused by the act of smashing women's heads in, usually with large rocks.

It's up to the one remaining untainted male, hipster/slacker/schoolboy Phil O' Ginny (director Bolduc) and badass female sidekick Misandra (Colleen Walsh) to fight off the misogynists and hopefully find a cure, or at least an explanation for the taint before these crazy bastards have smashed the heads of every female in sight.


The Taint is kind of like The Crazies, if everyone infected ran around with constantly ejaculating erections while bashing women's heads in. Yes, I said ejaculating erections. The infected misogynists all run around with huge Dirk Diggler-ian prostetic wangs hanging out of their pants, shooting jizz all over everything while destroying the heads of every female in sight with everything from hedge trimmers to car doors.

Featuring more head crushing than Riki-Oh and more dick shooting than Robocop, this is the kind of movie Troma should be making. Gross, shocking, offensive, hilarious, but also featuring some fairly excellent production values. For a film that couldn't have had much of a budget it actually looks very impressive and professional and features a few outstandingly well done gore scenes.

This is a tough film to really fully recommend. Not because I didn't like it, - I laughed, I cried, I nearly vomited. I think I loved it. But, I think the ejaculating boner stuff, and the truly disgusting nature of the film is probably going to turn off all but the most hardened trash fiends. But adventurous film fans who want to be truly offended while still laughing their asses off at something genuinely bizarre be sure to check this thing out at once.


Squirrel decapitation
He(a)dge trimming
Face Peel/Face Rip
Duct-taped Dead Skin Mask
Phil O' Ginny riding a skateboard wearing a blood soaked American flag cape

The Taint is available on DVD (with wicked awesome punk flyer style cover) for $10, VHS (the tape is hand-painted by the director) for $15 and the excellent synthy soundtrack featuring music by Drew Bolduc, Philip Heesen III, Robert King, Chris Bolduc, and Brian Beck is available for $5. There is also a package available for $25 that includes the DVD, VHS, Soundtrack and an autographed poster.


JESCIE said...

mikey bloodbath said...

best movie i've seen in many a year. got the soundtrack too. would go on in explanation, but phelpster nailed it. holy fuck balls! i loved this flick


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