Snakes on a Plane - A Retrospective

I saw this on Tuesday, and now you're gonna hear about it. Unless you don't want to. Then just skip to the next post and download some music. There are minor spoilers in my review, but nothing that happens in this movie really matters, so it shouldn't spoil the fun.

I initially tried boycotting this movie. But my friend called and asked me to see it, and I'm bored out of my mind these days so I was in. My boycott lasted a total of about 4 days. I had several reasons for my intended boycott. One it looks like it would be an attempt at intentional camp, which a movie like The Lost Skeleton of Cadavera shows us, can be painful. It's not really like that, really just a intentionally funny movie that actually succeeded in being funny during most of it's attempts. Another thing is Samuel L. Jackson. I like L, I do. But he's one of those actors who usually stars in things I have absolutely no interest in seeing. For example, Freedomland, The Man, The new Star Wars movies, Coach Carter, xXx, S.W.A.T., Twisted, Basic, Formula 51, etc. And those are all from the last 4 years. I've not seen really any of them so that's not a comment on their quality, I'm just saying I have no interest in them, so I figured this would sorta fit in with his streak of mediocrity he seems to be stuck in. But I actually rather enjoyed it. I will certainly purchase the Motherf*#@in’ Snakes Edition DVD that will come out even. And I assure you it will be called that. Although the Turn This Big Motherf*#@er Left Edition would be much funnier.

THE ACTUAL REVIEW

The plot is initially actually ridiculously complicated for a movie that later features a 45 minute stretch of people screaming and running back and forth on a plane while all sorts of snakes attack them. Followed by a good 15 minutes where the snakes take a breather and don’t attack shit. Thank god that raft was that exact size!

It starts with dumb looking guy Sean in Hawaii riding a dirt bike around a mountain for several minutes like the opening of some kind of goddamn Magnum P.I. episode or something. While stopping in the woods to take a Red Bull break and have a look-see around he runs into a man. A man who is hanging upside down by his feet. This man urges Sean to get out of there before it‘s too late. He abides by this request and runs off and hides behind a bush. While there he witnesses mobster Eddie Kim beat the dangling dude to death with a baseball bat. Why do so many movie people have immediate access to a bat? I don't have a bat. Of course Sean’s a dumbass (and believe me when I say he looks dumb. Seriously, I bet this guy even smells dumb) and he gets himself heard while running away from the scene of the crime. Fearing Sean opening his mouth, Eddie Kim sends his hired goons to kill the only living witness. I've noticed there is also no shortage of hired goons in movies. Is there an agency where failed bouncers are trained to goon? Anyway, of course Federal Agent Neville Flynn (Samuel L. Jackson, who will always be “Hold-Up Man” to me) saves his ass just in the nick of time. Neville forces him to fly to Los Angeles to testify against Eddie Kim. You'll never guess what's on the plane. I know that's not really all that complicated, but given that this all happens literally within the first 8 minutes, it's a decent amount of plot to get through.

I'll stop the plot description there, because that's about it really. You know where it goes from there. It’s an incredibly dumb movie, but it’s also really damn funny. And not like an Ed Wood sort of “man what a piece of shit, this is hilarious” funny, Snakes actually tries to be funny and hits the mark on most occasions. Not only that, apart from being really stupid it is actually pretty well made and the acting isn’t bad either. Save a few bad dramatic parts. Kenan from Good Burger was actually pretty funny (despite looking like a big ass pumpkin in that orange shirt) and it’s still fun to see David Koechner (who is in absolutely everything these days. It’s like he’s trying to out “Samuel L. Jackson” Samuel L. Jackson.) Did anyone else think the one cop looked like a skinny version of Robert from Everybody Loves Raymond? So sure it’s fun, but it’s also even a bit educational. I learned snakes don’t like being urinated on, they do like female nipples and I even learned that if I ever need some poisonous snakes there is a such thing as a poisonous snake dealer.

The only major problem I had was with the famous “line”. You know the one. I somehow have not seen a trailer for this movie, but I’ve seen so much about it online that the line was old to me about a month ago. So of course when he says it I was just sitting there stonewalling the screen, but the audience, as expected went nuts. Laughs, clapping. An old black woman jumped up out of her seat and yelled something. That could’ve just been her having some kind of fit though, who knows. That’s really just my opinion on that, it’s like that awful “Yeah baby, yeah.” craze that swept the nation several years ago, but this happened before the movie even came out. Speaking of Mike Myers, where the hell is he? Did he die?

Anyway, I hate to give ratings to something, because I feel so many factors affect a rating. Mood, theater temperature, theater patron obnoxiousness, being uncomfortable due to having to pee, being hungry, being sleepy. All of these things can alter one’s views on a movie. But since I’m not exactly gifted in the writing department I’m sure some of you stopped reading at about the third failed humor attempt into it and scrolled down to see some type of rating, so here goes.

I’d say despite it being dumber than that one guy in the movie looked it’s a solid 7/10.