Thursday, September 11, 2008

Double Dragon - Now A Minor Motion Picture

I had never actually seen Double Dragon until today. I think it sort of feels like the kind of movie Troma would've made if their Toxic Crusaders cartoon experiment would've been successful. It's hard to explain, but the low budget corny humor featured throughout and the Tromaville-esque New Angeles setting just make it feel kind of like a family friendly Troma movie. That said, it's a pretty fun movie, the cast seemed to be enjoying themselves and that kind of shows through, elevating the material a tiny bit. But even if you don't find the movie entertaining the heckling potential is almost endless. Scott Wolff's poor martial arts skills, Robert Patrick's hair, the effects, Robert Patrick's hair, Abobo, Robert Patrick's hair...

Feeling like a Troma movie isn't the only crime this movie is guilty of committing. They've also managed to make Alyssa Milano - one of the most strikingly beautiful women ever made - look weird and kind of boylike. Most of the movie she has this ridiculous short blond haircut that just does not work. I wasn't sure it was possible to make her not attractive*, but Double Dragon has proven me wrong. Well played Double Dragon, well played. In fact I think her odd appearance in this movie put her into a pretty deep depression, immediately after she went on to seemingly attempt to prove her attractiveness by appearing nude in 4 different things (3 movies, 1 Outer Limits episode) in 2 years. Much to the delight of nudity fans everywhere.

Things to watch for:

Kogo Shuko - Wears his sunglasses at night.
House Jacking
The Ancient Art of Noogie
Robert Patrick is "The Shadow"
Andy Dick, one of the most disappointed groan inducing performers of our generation. (How does this guy get work?)
Take That, Madonna!
The Japanese Yamaka
Jaws: The "Ride"
Spray Cheese May Contain Nitrous
The Articulate Zombie
Take That, Post Office Of the Future
Extreme Loitering!
I'd Like To Download Her Mainframe
A Common Reaction To The Final Level of Double Dragon

*Okay, she's still kinda cute.


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