FDR - American Badass - A Gargantuan Pile of Fuckery

It's President's Day in a couple of hours, so I've decided to review something presidential. I could've checked out something like Lincoln or JFK, but that's really not my style. I decided, with some regret, to check out FDR - American Badass.

Directors: Garret Brawith
Writer: Ross Patterson
Stars: Barry Bostwick, Lin Shaye, Bruce McGill, Ray Wise, Ross Patterson
Runtime: 93 Minutes
Rated: R for Nazi Werewolves, Incessant White Guy Jive Talk, Stuttering Wheelchair Children, Third Reich Beer Pong

While on a bear hunting trip Governor Franklin Delano Roosevelt (Barry Bostwick) and friends are attacked by a blond werewolf in a flannel shirt. Two of his friends are ripped to shit by the werewolf. The wolf goes after Franklin next, pins him to the ground and goes straight for his legs. After being mauled for a bit Frank is able to wrestle the werewolf off long enough to pull a gun out and kill him with a silver bullet.

Afterwards in the hospital, FDR learns that it wasn't just any werewolf that bit him, it was a polio stricken Nazi werewolf, and he has contracted polio from the bites on his legs. At first he's upset, but Roosevelt was not the kind of guy who was going to let some kind of pussy disease like polio get in his way. So hops in his wheelchair and becomes President of the United States of America. I mean, he had to run for office and everything, he wasn't instantly sworn in the second his ass hit the chair.

Shortly after Roosevelt's election Hitler, Mussolini, and Emperor Hirohito (who are all werewolves for some reason) join up and conspire to spread Werewolfism around the world. In a possible nod to The Amazing Mr. No Legs, Douglas MacArthur (Ray Wise) sets Frank up with a machine gun equipped wheelchair so he can take out the werewolf scum.

This is pretty entertaining for about 20 minutes, Bostwick has some great lines and he really seems to be having a good time with this role. The opening scene with the Aryan werewolf is pretty great. The following scene of Franklin learning of his condition in the hospital is also very entertaining. There are so many funny lines that I lost count, including a great Bon Jovi lyric bit that shouldn't have made me laugh as hard as it did.

That being said, holy shit this thing really just goes careening off the rails once Roosevelt becomes president. It just becomes more awful, and the comedy more broad as it goes along. Once I got to FDR smoking a joint with the ghost of Lincoln (played by Kevin Sorbo) I was done. I did finish the movie, I just didn't give a shit anymore.

There are still some funny lines throughout the movie but for every cute line like a sarcastic "Good work, Einstein!" actually being said to Albert Einstein (and later by Albert Einstein to himself), you have to endure several minutes of Bostwick and Ray Wise spouting off stupid jive talk to each other. We've been putting up with lame white people talking like cool black people jokes since at least Airplane, when will people stop thinking this is funny?

The bad comedy didn't stop there. I could go on for a while here, but I'll just mention a few things that bothered me the most. The "repube" joke didn't land the first time, or the 7th time. Or the 10th time. Werewolf Hitler, Werewolf Mussolini and Emperor Horohito is funnier on paper apparently because I didn't get a laugh out of any of the several scenes featuring the lycanthropian dictators. Then we have Roosevelt's son constantly shitting in vases, gay gloryhole jokes, toilet wine, Frank's secretary erotically licking ketchup (catsup?) and mustard off of his hot dog-like legs...I'm all for offensive humor, the problem is that this stuff is just not funny.

I watched this on Netflix streaming, so if you have a chance to see it for free I recommend it for about the first 20 minutes only. I would suggest having a backup movie lined up just in case.

I give FDR American Badass 1 Middle Finger Up. Or 3.5 out of 10.

Good news for anyone who enjoyed this, writer Ross Patterson has teamed up with Bostwick once again for Helen Keller vs. Nightwolves due out some time this year.